"Hello - it's me"
"On the train"
"The train is delayed so I'm going to be late" (a Southeastern Trains favourite)
"I'm just heading into tunnel territory so I may lose you" (why did you start the call in the first place then?)
[train enters Pole Hill tunnel] "Hello? Hello...?" (perhaps thinking that by repeating this word several times, the signal that was lost as the train entered the two mile long tunnel will be miraculously restored)
"Sorry about that - we went into a tunnel" (generally somewhere around Dunton Green where the signal returns briefly before the train enters the Sevenoaks tunnel)
"Hello?....Hello? (Sevenoaks tunnel)
"Sorry about that - another tunnel - hello?....hello?" (the Weald triangle, signals disappear....)
2. Unfunny "entertainers" - particularly Jonathan Ross, Phil Jupitus, Andy Parsons, Vernon Kay, "Comedy" Dave Vitty, Ainsley Harriott and Davina McCall. If I had to choose one though to put on the gallows, it would be Ross. I cannot stand that man.
3. Mark Chapman and Colin Murray. I've forgotten more about football than they have every known. Oh - and Andy Townsend - the master of the statement of the bleedin' obvious.
4. People who stand on the left hand side of escalators.
5. People who carry filthy folding bikes on packed rush hour trains (and who continue wearing their cycle helmet on the entire 45 minute journey).
6. People who tut and roll their eyes when you ask if you can sit on the seat on which they have placed their handbag/brief case or when you ask them to move so that you can occupy the inside seat to which they are blocking access.
7. People who pay for a single drink at a pub using a credit card.
8. Shopkeepers (and certain Tunbridge Wells taxi drivers) who ask if you have anything smaller when you try to pay for something inexpensive with a high denomination note and who then open the till to reveal about a billion pounds worth of change.
9. People who pick all the bits of chicken and croutons out of the chicken caesar at the salad bar so that all that is left is some wet cheesy lettuce.
10. People with wheelie cases who stop right at the bottom of an escalator to pull out the extendable handle causing everybody behind them to pile into each other as they try to get round them.
11. In fact people with wheelie cases full stop.
12. People who wear Bluetooth earpieces other than while driving a public service vehicle. Especially in shops. Or the gym (I kid you not...)
13. The increasingly prevalent warning on TV that the following item contains some flash photography. I have a mental image of hundreds of people rolling around on the floor foaming at the mouth every time Kate and Will's engagement photo call is shown.
14. Programmes (especially ones late at night when you are about to switch the telly off and go to bed) that are preceded by a warning that they they contain strong language and scenes of a sexual nature from the start. But then don't.
15. People who don't seem to be able to use a petrol pump unless it's on the same side as their car's filler cap.
16. OAPs who use Sainsbury's on a Saturday morning.
17. Any TV programme that contains the word "Blooper". And any show presented by Denis Norden.
18. People who drive cars with "Baby on Board" signs in the back window. We recently followed a car with the sign "Small Person on Board" in the back window and when I made my usual hurrumphing noise, my 16 year old daughter made the valid observation that it could of course be referring to a dwarf. I had never thought of that.
19. The use of "smiley faces", "cheeky winks" and text speak such as "LOL", "PMSL", "LMAO"and "ROFL" by anyone over the age of 13.
20. People who eat on public transport. My views on this are well rehearsed. I have experience of a range of foodstuffs being consumed on trains, from the normal burgers, pasties, chips etc on the "Vomit Comet" (as the last train to Tunbridge Wells is affectionately known) through to Cheesy Wotsits on the 07.36, a range of fruits (mostly noisy ones) and - my favourite of all - a tupperware container of muesli complete with milk (probably soya) being slurped noisily by a bloke wearing a cycle helmet.